Lawgiver Pearl here. Well, I think I speak for a lot of people when I say that it isn't summer anymore. And boy, am I glad. I really get sick of people having fun and talking buoyantly as if they're having a good time. I try to go about my business, wearing my winter coat and galoshes as if it were still wonderful winter, but the rest of the upper hemisphere won't cooperate.

Summer hurts me. Admittedly I take summer too personally, but when daylight drags on for more than 4 hours at a stretch I start to feel this gnawing guilt that I should be outside or something. I loathe being outside for I cannot bear the sound of people having fun, unless it somehow involves me. However, I don't want to be involved - still, I don't want others going around having their summer fun with their jet-skis and sunglasses and tawny-ness and outdoor dining and the picnics and open car windows as they drive down the freeway. I mean - how do you think that makes me feel!!!!

To celebrate the arrival of fall, I conducted many of my usual rituals: I left my down comforter on my bed, where it had been all summer and it was there I would snuggle into it, bidding dreams of autumn to come into my head. Then, promptly at 12:01 a.m. September 1^st , I got all my sweaters out, refolded them, and stacked them in my closet. I had my car immediately winterized and I have my ice scraper at the ready. And I eagerly await, with burbling anticipation, not leaving my condo for another six months.

Merry Christmas to you and yours but mostly me,

Pearl