|
#904: Werewolf
|
 |
| 
This movie is about werewolves -- also known as wolf-men, lycanthropes,
and bad actors with latex and spirit-gummed hair on their faces.
The movie starts off promisingly enough, what with having Joe Estevez
(brother of Martin Sheen, and uncle of Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen,
one or both of whom will surely turn up in an MST movie one day) on an
archeological dig with some other sweaty, disgruntled guys. Their
strangely-accented foreman (Mexican? Russian? Basque?) is a clear
homicidal maniac from the get-go, and while he applies corporal
punishment to one of the workers for being rough with a newly-found
bunch o' bones, the hapless digger gets gored by one of said bones.
Feh!...Wouldn't you know it, it's a bunch o' werewolf bones.
Psh! So pretty soon the guy starts lycanthropizing all over the place. And
one naturally assumes he is the eponymous "werewolf" of this film.
Wrong! One would be make an ass out of you and me, assuming that! His
friends efficiently shoot him, and he's outa the movie! See you! Then
about halfway through the film, another strangely-accented man (a
self-declared "writer"- his blunt assertion to this effect is all the
evidence we have of his craft) shows up and becomes the real werewolf,
killing with abandon and simultaneously falling in love with the most
heavily-strangely-accented person of all, a piece of Euro-arm-candy with
the acting skills of a seriously injured box turtle. The werewolf /
writer rampages through Flagstaff, Arizona, and lots of pool is played
by the indeterminate foreigners at a local honky-tonk.
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
| 
Prologue:
Mike thinks he's James Lipton, host of the cable hit "Actors
Studio" program. He also thinks Crow is Ray Liotta, and interviews him
within an inch of his life.
Segment One:
Crow applies the clown hammer to Mike / James Lipton.
Mike snaps out of it and immediately remembers their escape opportunity,
since the SOL is in geo-synchronus orbit around earth. He'll use a
giant ladder and climb down!
On the planet, Pearl, Bobo, and Observer are greedily eating their
breakfast cereal. Mike manages to land on the worst place on earth -
Castle Forrester! Pearl has Brain Guy whip up a lit cannon to
dispatch him.
Segment Two:
Mike and Servo play the fun game "Who Would
You Want in Your Werewolf Movie?" Inspired by Joe Estevez, all the
actors they choose are brothers of famous people! Get it? Thank
you.
Segment Three:
After watching the heart-wrenching scene where a
werewolf drives a car and crashes fatally, Mike and the 'Bots make the
odd choice to sing a 1960's girl-group song about it.
Segment Four:
Mike cuts himself on Crow and becomes a WERECROW.
Segment Five:
Mike is further along in his development as a WERECROW.
Meanwhile, Servo is beginning to turn into a WEREMIKE.
Down in Castle Forrester, Pearl has decided to create her own werewolf
by injecting the essence of a wolf into a man! Brain Guy delivers a
peasant, but Bobo's search for a wolf results in an adorable little
cocker spaniel. Thwarted, they retire for the day.
Stinger:
Addled-brained Euro-model: "Diss iss obsaluttly fussinading." (Trans.:
"This is absolutely fascinating.")
|
|
|
|
|
Oh, sweet, wonderful Werewolf. Where to begin? OK, in no particular
order:
- Accents galore, resulting in myriad pronunciations of the word
"werewolf": e.g., "wurwilf," "warwulf," and so on.
- The house caretaker -- who is some weird hybrid of Jerry Garcia and a
Michigan Militiaman - singing his signature top-forty hit, "Strange
Things A-Doin'."
- The many werewolf looks this movie presents: sometimes simply a wolf,
other times a kind of man-bear, other times a sort of fruit bat puppet,
and at still other times just a guy with the mumps overdue for a shave.
- The main archeologist earnestly and somberly presenting his theory of
how werewolves must "sleep nose to anus."
- I could go on, as you could, too, I'm sure.
A few bits of MST trivia:
- Werewolf is the newest movie we've ever done (1995).
- The cute cocker spaniel at the end of segment five is Humphrey,
Kevin's dog, who readers of the MST Amazing Colossal Episode Guide will
recognize as the photo op dog at the end of the book in Kevin's,
Trace's, Mike's, Mary Jo's, Paul's, & Jim's arms.
Finally, as writer who tries to actually write, and knowing many like me
(many right in this very Best Brains office!), I will be filing a
class-action suit on behalf of us all for this movie's premise that its
doorknob protagonist is a man of the pen. Sure, I know the guy has
problems what with his sporadic turning into a werewolf and all, but,
for instance, Mike kept writing even when he sprained his ankle.
They're feeding you lies about us, I say!
- Bill Corbett
|
|
|
|
|
