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#810: Giant Spider Invasion
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Once upon a time in a faraway place called Wisconsin, evidently
a land of alcoholic scrub farmers and prideless prostitutes, there was a
low-budget filmmaker named Bill Rebane. He gathered a few of his sub-literate
neighbors and made this movie. In it, between drinking and whoring and failing
at various endeavors, these good people find themselves invaded via meteor by one
or more large spiders who eat them. (I wouldn't eat one of these people, myself,
but then I'm neither a giant spider nor Ed Gein.) A couple of unconvincing NASA
scientists, one played by Barbara Hale of tattered Perry Mason fame, come to
the rescue. They paste together some kind of explanation, and if I can recall
(we wrote this way last week) blow the spiders up. Barbara Hale repeatedly
deploys a harshly nasal scream toward the end, something like a cougar in heat.
You ever hear a cougar in heat? Wow.
Oh yeah, it may not be worth mentioning that the town's Sheriff is played by
Alan Hale.
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Prologue:
Servo is a cheerleader, and a pert one at that,
demanding that Mike and Crow give him an S, an A, etc. They refuse, but consent
to give him an M, an R, an X, and an L. Servo makes do. "We got the mrxl and
you got none, uh huh uh huh!"
Segment One:
Mrs. Pearl Forrester, yes that Pearl Forrester, regales the SOL
with tales of camping on their new planet home; Observer had "harvested wild
mushrooms with his mind, we sat by a crystal blue stream having mind-fried
rainbow trout. Aw, it was heaven." She mocks the SOL's inability to camp, but
Servo responds by portaging a canoe and knocking Mike and Crow over several
times. Back on the planet, Pearl and Observer are strangely flat and lifeless,
and offer the SOL some "zucchini-throw pillows." Mike's nervous; Servo says
"they're perfectly normal overgrown pod-like vegetation, you nervous Nellie you!"
Segment Two:
Upon leaving the theater, Mike and the 'Bots are net by Gypsy,
now also strangely lifeless. She attempts quite strongly to convince them all to
sleep, and sings a lullaby: "Let an evil super consciousness..... swallow you
whole...." It's rather disconcerting.
Segment Three:
The crew realizes that if they fall asleep, the evil pods will
take them over, so they're trying to stay awake. Servo keeps nodding off; Crow
is wired on "French Roast, V-V-Vivarin, diet pills, M-M-Mountain Dew, Jolt, Water
Joe, S-S-Surge..." On the planet, Pearl and Observer relentlessly load pods into
the van: evidently they want to take over the galaxy! They screech at Bobo when
he tries to interfere.
Segment Four:
A pod Servo shows up, along with the real Servo; Mike asks
questions to determine which is the real one. It's a pretty tight contest until
Mike asks the contents of Servo's underpants collection: "342 pairs of cotton
boxers in various fabric designs, no duplicates; 78 pairs of silk boxers; 702
pairs of high cut brief; 55 pair of the low cut brief; 7 banana warmers; one
pair of the "Home of the Whopper" briefs" etc. Pod Servo runs screeching.
Segment Five:
Mike realizes he's the only normal one left on the SOL; he appeals to Bobo
on the planet to find the mother pod and kill it. Bobo is resentful that
he alone on the planet is not a pod: "Wanna know why? Cuz the monkey's
not good enough - again!" He doubts his ability to save the galaxy
("I do have a red butt, Mike, I might as well face facts!") but Mike
appeals to his great lineage, and Bobo wrestles the pod to death as Pearl
and Bobo screech. Pearl, having missed the movie, sends it again.
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