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#802: Leech Woman
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This is a tender story of a man who despises his wife because
she is perhaps slightly older than he'd like her to be; and the woman who downs
hooch like Dylan Thomas because her husband despises her so much. It is also the
story of an ancient woman from an unnamed African country who has found the
fountain of youth coursing through the pineal gland of the male of the species.
Further it is the story of the weenie lawyer with whom our heroine falls in love,
and his weenie fiancée whose only redeeming quality is that she packs a
Colt Panther. This sweeping epic takes us to a modest ranch home in, perhaps,
Elmhurst, Illinois all the way to Griffith Park in LA, which completely and
altogether passes for the breathtaking Kalahari. Along the way we se our white
heroes immediately assume superiority over an ancient tribe, we see our heroine
stabbing at the bases of skulls of countless men, we see that alas, the fountain
of youth is always out of order and prone to backfiring, and that to be not
beautiful and extremely young is to be hateful and evil. A lesson for our time.
Highlights include several examples of the spiral cup bra.
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Prologue:
Intrepid Crow, worried about the Satellite's prairie dog problem,
purchases a "Varmint Vac," which helps to keep the ship's beefalo
herd from breaking their legs in prairie dog holes. Mike seems surprised
that the Satellite has either prairie dogs or beefalo.
Segment One:
At the urging of Mike and the 'Bots, Bobo, Peanut and their entire
staff revert to their monkey-nature, wearing diapers, smoking huge cigars and
roller skating, which we all know are natural and instinctive simian urges.
Pearl, the Lawgiver, arrives in time to put a stop to it and hands out plenty of
baby-wipes.
Segment Two:
In a stirring and poignant scene, the Nanites organize and
strike against... well... other Nanites, I guess, who seem to be their
hard-hearted job bosses. After stirring speeches, the labor dispute is settled
in the tradition of American free enterprise, with tanks and guns.
Segment Three:
With the apes beginning to suspect that she may not be the
lawgiver, Pearl enacts some importance laws, such as " no parking on
Sundays" and "no soup with buffet." Servo reveals the seedy side of his
missing five hundred years roaming the universe, which may or may not
include several stops at peep shows. You be the judge.
Segment Four:
Crow and Servo, enlightened by today's film, conspire to
puncture Mike's pineal gland and extract the precious juice so they can live
forever. They get really cheesed when Mike survives the assault, and they turn
to Gypsy, proving once again that they haven't a clue.
Segment Five:
Tom Servo, obsessed with screaming "Jeeeeeeeddddddddd!" at the
top of his lungs, dresses as Irene Ryan in her epic role and forces Crow and
Servo at gun-point to play-act The Beverly Hillbillies. Naturally, it backfires;
naturally, Servo cries.
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I put it to you that it is well known that monkeys, apes and in
fact most primates fling their poop, sometimes with considerable verve and with
the style and accuracy of a Dennis Eckersley. But it's just not a proper topic
to bring up in a family show like ours. So we continue to wrack our brains to
demonstrate this tastefully.
A word about monkey makeup: Imagine having latex house paint smeared all over
your face, on your teeth and in your eyes, then highly toxic industrial adhesives
applied, then an entire warm rotting beef liver pressed into the inch-thick layer
of glue, then a wig made for a ten-year-old child squeezed onto your skull, then
being adorned with several layers of thick wool clothing before walking out into
a stifling studio filled with ten-thousand watt lights so it's the temperature of
a Kenner Easy-Bake Oven. Now, act! And be funny, dammit!
Oh, I'm not griping. I mean it's a great role and a lot of fun to do. But my
skin does have the texture of a cantaloupe. Okay, I guess I am griping.
- Kevin Murphy
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