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#1007: Track of the Moonbeast
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The story of a hideous monster named Paul and his love for a woman who wears
terry cloth jumpers. Somewhere in the flat, uninspiring American Southwest, a
dull man with hair like John Fogarty looks for fossils. His best friend,
Professor Johnny Longbow, jumps out from behind a rock and introduces him to
Kathy, a photojournalist who says stupid things. After enjoying a hearty bowl of
Johnny's authentic Indian stew, the two fall in love and go off to find a remote
place where they can be in love. They chose a place directly in the path of a
meteor, which, if it strikes a human, can in some cases turn that human into a
killer lizard. It strikes Paul. He turns into a killer lizard. Kathy loves him
anyway, while Johnny assures him the killings aren't his fault and attempts to
cure him. All cures fail, so Johnny shoots and kills him. The monster Paul is
dead. Based on a true story.
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Prologue:
The Robots bought an Onion Blossomer, and as they tend to do, get
carried away with it, blossoming everything on the ship. There are no references
to the network television program Blossom.
Segment One:
After blossoming Tom's head, they receive a call from Pearl, who
explains her latest bit of evil--a device hooked directly to Bobo's brain that
allows the poor dumb ape to be commanded via remote control! They invite Mike to
try it, and he quickly improvises a plan to escape. It fails. It had to. Mike
is shamed, Bobo is punished.
Segment Two:
Inspired by the hit film Track of the Moon Beast, Crow, Gypsy and
Servo try to scare Mike with a mask and some strange bird calls. It turns out as
painfully as it did in the hit film, Track of the Moon Beast.
Segment Three:
Mike narrates a Legends of Rock-style documentary about The Band
That Played California Lady, a band who, in the hit film Track of the Moon Beast,
played a song called California Lady.
Segment Four:
Crow and Servo realize that they don't know what kind of pajamas
Mike favors, and so they rig an elaborate device to spy on him. Though they get
an intimate glimpse of Mike's private life, they come up empty on the P.J.
identification.
Segment Five:
Servo injures a tiny, defenseless satellite with his bow and arrow.
The satellite's large, angry mother shows up to take it home. In the castle,
Observer, a.k.a Brain Guy, helps Bobo with his new exposed Brain. They anger
Pearl with their cooperation, so she puts an end to it by jabbing their brains.
STINGER: The blonde woman says "Moon rock? Oh wow!"
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Track of the Moon Beast was a film that was heartily recommended by Paul Chaplin,
a man who, on occasion, is known to go mad and recommend terrible films to
people. We said no to the film, but Paul sprayed us with a knock-out gas of his
own design, and then with another gas that wipes out short blocks of a person's
memory, and while we were out, asked Sci Fi to secure the rights to it. I think
it turned out well, but it's hard to trust my own memory, as Paul's formula
worked on a more general level than I think even he had planned.
I do remember laughing far more than is appropriate at Johnny Longbow's pompous
demeanor and especially at his apparent pique over being asked what was in his
stew. Perhaps it's best that I'm no longer a comedy writer because, when
watching it months later I laughed hard at the following exchange.
Johnny Longbone: "I know what you're thinking".
Crow: "I'm boring and my slide show eats"
- Mike Nelson
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