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#1002: The Girl In Gold Boots
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Buzz, a traveling thug, stops at a diner somewhere in the Nevada nuclear
testing grounds and meets Michele, who wants to be a dancer. He suggests
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accompany him to Los Angeles, claiming his sister Joan is a famous hoofer. After drunk dad
slaps her around, Michele concludes that life with Buzz may be a
quarter-step up, so she agrees.
Shortly, they're joined by Critter, a fey man with a guitar. Off they go
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world of striptease and drug
dealing that is Los Angeles.
Turns out that Joan is an exotic dancer, sort of, and her boss, Leo, the Oiliest
Man in the World, deals drugs to school kids. Michele is thrilled. She gets to
be a dancer, right next to the famous addict Joan! Maybe she'll even get to be
addicted and used and thrown away herself!
There are many many many scenes of dancing. Many, I tell you. Very many.
Critter latches on as a janitor at the club, Buzz falls right into drug dealing,
and there's all kinds of tension between Buzz and Critter regarding the
attentions of the zaftig Michele. Critter admits to Michele that he's planning
to become a draft dodger someday, which for some reason makes it impossible for
him to declare his love for her. She keeps dancing and replacing the
increasingly addicted Joan, while Leo grins and drips oil.
Buzz takes part in a jailhouse robbery and kills a guy. Critter and Michele find
out. (I'm losing interest here, just as I did while watching the movie.) Critter
beats up everybody and calls the police and joins the Marines. An ending arrives
which is presented as happy.
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Prologue:
Crow wears a "WWBSMD" bracelet -- 'What Would Buffy St. Marie Do?" His answer to a
hypothetical moral dilemma: write a folk song. An odd shift to the castle: Pearl warns she's about to
become a fully-accredited mad scientist.
Segment One:
Pearl tries her darndest to act like a mad scientist, as a mad scientist inspector is visiting.
She shocks Bobo, gives Brain Guy a latex hump, and talks Mike and the 'Bots into overreacting to the
movie. When she starts hitting Brain Guy, the inspector nods approvingly.
Segment Two:
Crow dresses as Buzz, Servo as Michele; Crow tries to exact revenge (for what? Who
knows?) on Mike by making Mike pour beer on his most prized possessions, as in the movie. Those turn
out to be Mike's beer stein and then Crow himself.
Segment Three:
Crow's legs are all that are visible as he dances provocatively, wearing gold boots,
apparently sporting a tiny bikini. Mike's outraged; the 'Bots accuse him of being uncomfortable
acknowledging Crow as a sexual creature.
Segment Four:
Mimicking the film, Mike sings a folk song in front of a window as it rains. Crow keeps
appearing, telling him that the water has caused a fire. Mike's oblivious and sings; Crow and Servo
finally extinguish the fire.
Segment Five:
Everybody on the SOL dresses like Leo; they're embarrassed. In the castle, the inspector
concludes that Pearl's experiment is a failure -- until he sees Brain Guy in a dress, dancing. He accredits
Pearl as a mad scientist, "conditionally."
Stinger: Joan: "Oh God, I wish I had my pretty mind back."
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The whole mad scientist accreditation sub-plot has an interesting history. Our overseers at SciFi, both of
whom are long gone, fooled themselves into thinking that if we were somehow able to build an over-
arching plot into our show, people would start watching it. We didn't like the idea, since the new shows
are usually presented several weeks apart and then never again shown in order; and we seem to write better
when we don't have to pay attention to stuff like plot. But, we had to do it. It seemed sort of sad, really,
because by this time we were already pretty sure we were writing the last season.
We all loved Leo, the club owner. He joins our pantheon of oily guys, where he's welcomed by the likes
of the oily guy in a sweater dress, from Attack of the Eye Creatures, way back in the Other Years.
The nightclub is called The Haunted House, and has an odd dragon hovering over the stage, emitting
smoke from its nostrils. I assume this place actually existed, back in the Sixties. Anybody out there
remember it?
- Paul Chaplin
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