PumaMan:
You had me at 'hello.' Now shut up...and kiss me! |
Daddy-O:
Proof that SciFi is VERY GOOD at producing movies that are perfect for MST3K! |
LastStarFighter:
What. What. So I fell asleep with the mud pack on my
face...And? |
JungleGoddess:
What is...sunlight? |
PumaMan:
'High Speed' and 'Dial Up' do not belong in the same sentence, much less the same commercial!
|
PumaMan:
You can call any national monument in the country for only
three cents a minute! |
JungleGoddess:
"Well, well. With a penis like THAT, I'd be flying a ship this
big, too." |
PumaMan:
Boy, Clive Barker's "Smurfs" isn't really what I'd expected
it to be. |
PumaMan:
"CUT! No more of the SKULL-FACE, Shannon! The SHOW is
supposed to scare the viewers ...not YOU!"
|
PumaMan:
Gabriel Byrne is... the Hunchback of Notre Dame. |
JungleGoddess:
"Man... you are such a pig when it comes to eating
Blue Moon ice cream." |
LastStarFighter:
And now for something completely different...a GOOD show on
the SciFi Channel. Oh wait...it's been canceled. Never
mind.
|
RogerCorman:
He may have what it takes to be a champion but he only has
one tooth left. |
PumaMan:
Huh? I would have thought a movie named "Holes" would have at
LEAST an NC-17 stamped on it. |
JungleGoddess:
Note: Not to be confused with the porn movie: "Orifice" |
RogerCorman:
Well...at least it's not about Courtney Love! |
HellCat:
Louie Anderson's fridge. |
PumaMan:
"Never mind what I'm doing with his hand! I know what I'm
doing! ...And 'NO' I wasn't going to EAT IT! At least not
just yet."
|
RogerCorman:
Alice In Wonderland 3. Alice returns to kick some ass! |
HellCat:
I think we've stumbled upon Speedy Gonzalez's hole. |
HellCat:
Give me the glue-gun, poop-head! |
PumaMan:
WHY AGAIN, are we wearing Michael Jackson's wardrobe. |
RogerCorman:
Redman does his ferret impression. |
HellCat:
Hey, we're in a computer screen and that guy's looking at
us. GO away, you pervert!
|
PumaMan:
"I think I've translated it... it says... 'a'." |
RogerCorman:
Translation: A hole. |
RogerCorman:
Welcome to an SG1 family Christmas. |
HellCat:
C'mon, scouts, let's get that latrine dug; I'm prairie
doggin' it! |
RogerCorman:
There's no place like Home, There's no place like Home... |
HellCat:
Did he direct this whole movie just to make sure 70% of the
time the camera was on his average, white loser face?!?
|
PumaMan:
"I'm not sure, but I 'think' I can push my eyeballs out
through the top of my skull. Lemme give it a shot, here..."
|
RogerCorman:
Maybe they should have checked to see if she was dead before they
gilded her. |
MightyJack:
This is why I said I wanted those nose-hair trimmers for
Christmas!!
|
PumaMan:
"Contact your satellite provider and tell them you want the
Crap Channel (a.k.a. SciFi channel)" |
RogerCorman:
Maybe I shouldn't have put the explosives on my arms! |
MightyJack:
Now that's what I call chili! |
SandyFrank:
All seems lost when the film is reviewed and it is
discovered that even the cameraman lost interest in the
film. |
MasterNinja:
So did Mr. Jackson touch you...you know, down there? |
Zap&Troy:
I don't know what's supposed to be scarier, here... the drawing,
or that guy's hand. What, did he do, get into a fist-fight with
his blender or something?
|
SandyFrank:
We're drawing a blank here, folks???
- The SciFi Programming Room. |
FuManchu:
YES. TRUST ME. He DOES need the viagra! For my sake, PLEASE
tell him how he can get viagra! |
SandyFrank:
...And now, a word from our sparkler affiliate. |
PumaMan:
The softball carpool turned bad when the children discovered
a new game: Everyone hit the retarded kid.
|
SandyFrank:
OOOOH! ....I have got to see THIS movie! |
FuManchu:
This Messiah stained glass set is available now exclusively
on QVC for the low, low price of YOUR SOUL! Ha, ha, ha! |
PumaMan:
Michael Jackson - In a role you won't soon forget! |
Lemmankinan:
Michael Jackson BEFORE make-up. |
KillerShrews:
Michael Jackson AFTER make-up. |
PumaMan:
"Doctor, it's not your fault he died. How could you have
known about all that red gushy stuff in his chest cavity,
anyway?" |
MasterNinja:
Smoke Away. Try it today. It doesn't do a damn thing, but
why should the tobacco companies make all the money!?!
|
PumaMan:
Did this turn into "Grizzly Adams" all of a sudden? |
MasterNinja:
Pinocchio! You stoppa' dat, or you'll get splinters! |
PumaMan:
"Grrr... so THIS is where my wheelchair ended up,
I've been looking all over...(spots nurse) er.. I
mean... OW, MY LEGS!"
|
PumaMan:
Call this number for your free sample of "white." |
MasterNinja:
FREE brochures. Thousands of them! We can't wait to dump
them on you! |
PumaMan:
Why are the operators 'standing' and 'by' what? Are their
chairs full of brochures or something?
|
Zap&Troy:
"What's this? Hmm... yes, it looks like you have a case of
wide-screen-itis."
|
SandyFrank:
She said that men wear big hats to compensate for their
little... |
PumaMan:
You're traveling to another dimension... a dimension where
M.C. Escher decided to be an architect. |
SandyFrank:
The 'Stairway to Heaven' REALLY does exist! |
HercUnchained:
"Uhm, uhhhhhh... oh, uhhhhmmmmm... duhhhhhh, uhhhmmmmmm...... " |
Lemmankinan:
The photographic composition is excellent, but I'm a little
confused by the pile of human heads. |
Sampo:
Troll-o-vision. |
PumaMan:
"Smell the end of this pencil, and then tell me if it's
a #2 or #3." |
Lemmankinan:
"It will be $300 if you want me to dress up as a sexy French
Maid...and $200 more if you want the French
Maid to undress!"
|
Sampo:
If some monster jumps out and kills her, she wants to get it
on tape. |
PumaMan:
"I'm telling you, these flashlight condoms are a TERRIBLE
idea." |
LastStarFighter:
I always warned you: this is what happens when you leave
food in the television.
|
Sampo:
"They're home early! Quick! Hide the keg." |
Lemmankinan:
For a limited time only, THE BUBONIC PLAGUE! |
HercUnchained:
"...with Justine Bateman! Now that's 'SATISFACTION!'" |
Lemmankinan:
I don't think that's a good slogan. Rocks can't handle worth
a damn. |
PumaMan:
This and more, on the next "Judd Nelson's Back." |
Sampo:
Claire smiles politely and tries to ignore the the SciFi
logo on Joe's shoulder. |
HercUnchained:
Judd Nelson's therapy session: "So you did 'The Breakfast
Club' and then what again did you do for the next 20 years, Mr. Nelson?"
|
Torgo:
"Boy, I sure hope The Breakfast Club is on." |
PumaMan:
Hey, check it out... it's about as bleak as Judd Nelson's
career outlook. |
HercUnchained:
The Final Countdown 2: The Final Chapter. |
LastStarFighter:
<explosions> All is lost...no wait, look over there...
Searchlight at 5 o'clock...YES, the SCIFI LOGO made it!
Yippee!
|
Sampo:
"Caption me will you?"
...Now you DIE!
|
Torgo:
The attempt at anal sex did not go well! |
Lemmankinan:
"WHY did you have to sacrifice my sleeves? WHY?" |
Torgo:
Michael. You MUST come with me now. I will take you back
home to the asylum. |
PaperChaseGuy:
"Ow, dude... do you have any, like, aspirin or something?
I'm on the SciFi channel and I think I'm in one of their
crappy movies."
|
Torgo:
An exclusive preview just for Caption This! viewers of the
top four new shows for the upcoming SciFi season! |
Lemmankinan:
Aaarrrggghhh...a hand. Oh wait, it's connected to me--never
mind. |
Sampo:
Where the buffalo don't roam and the deer and the antelope
die from disease. |
Torgo:
Pat, I would like to buy a vowel! |
Lemmankinan:
"Uh-huh, in a minute Rhonda. I'm just waiting to see
what this guy on his computer says about us and these red
doors."
|
Sampo:
"Aren't you the invisible man? I never forget a face."
|
PaperChaseGuy:
What one needs after watching too much SciFi in just one sitting. |
PumaMan:
"Walgreens. We keep our parking lot freshly watered so that
you don't have to. Walgreens." |
Torgo:
Kodak's CEO has a vision of what all American kitchens
SHOULD look like. |
HercUnchained:
"Don't laugh Judd, I'm YOU in about 15 more years...well,
maybe more like five..." |
Lemmankinan:
"Exact same wardrobe as when you were working on 'The Breakfast
Club,' huh, Judd?"
|
Zap&Troy:
"Check this out... if I tug hard enough on my ear, my heart
just explodes through the front of my chest. Cool, huh,
guys?"
|
PumaMan:
Mmmmm, commercials that appeal to the foot fetish
demographic. |
MamieVanDoren:
She's gotta be a special kind of retard to mismatch her
shoes THAT badly... |
PumaMan:
"And then, after I shot up, this little man poked his head
out of the needle-hole. I'm not moving my hand 'til that
little guy is suffocated and dead."
|
PaperChaseGuy:
"Look, I don't know what happened. I was playing Rock,
Paper, Scissors...and the damn thing just locked up on me
alright!"
|
HercUnchained:
"Call my wife and tell her that I'll be working late
tonight... ...on YOU, Jessica!
|
Lemmankinan:
"Does the little wittle
Cameraman have a case of heatstroke. C'mon you big baby, get
up and film my half-pipe stunt!"
|
HercUnchained:
"We are NyQuil of Borg! Your coughing will be assimilated.
Equate is irrelevant."
|
MamieVanDoren:
Enjoy new Pine Fresh Jolly Ranchers! |
MamieVanDoren:
2Fast2Furious2Blurry. |
HighSchoolBigShot:
Yo Dawg! MTV Sucks! |
SecretAgentSuperDragon:
All this elusive weekday's secrets revealed. |
PumaMan:
Count Fagula. |
SecretAgentSuperDragon:
The always BRA-LESS Shannon Doherty!
(Please God...just make her shirts thinner!)
|
Lemmankinan:
Boo. |
MamieVanDoren:
"Ha ha, ha, Jennifer! It says "Semen Depository" under your mouth in
permanent marker! Gee, who could've written that there in
your sleep?"
|
HighSchoolBigShot:
Caution: SciFi programming and broadcasting underway. Your
television has been hazed out for your own protection. |
BloodBeast:
Six o'clock... time to feed the midget. |
Lemmankinan:
Eyes, meet floor. Floor, eyes. Nice to make your
acquaintance. Oh, no, the pleasure is all mine. |
BloodBeast:
"Durrrr... a pizza party!" ...On the next "Billy the
Mongoloid", Fridays at 8/7 central. |
Lemmankinan:
Shannon Doherty was replaced by a chair, who, as it
happened, provided a much more versatile performance.
|
Lemmankinan:
It's the story of fatal caffeine addiction. |
HighSchoolBigShot:
"Who let the crazy stalker extra in here, and why is he
wearing spinach?"
|
HercUnchained:
"Sit, Mongo, sit!!! Not do Hokey-Pokey anymore!" |
PaperChaseGuy:
Wearing spinach on your head becomes a fad...a really short
fad!
|
HercUnchained:
"The SciFi channel once again proves that anyone who wants
to be on TV **IS** on TV...at least on SciFi TV!"
|
Rowsdower:
The all-new line of Richard Simmons clothing for young boys! |
PumaMan:
"We scare the hell out of people with door phobias... on the
next Scare Tactics." |
Zap&Troy:
Huh, I didn't know they had advertisements for "eeeeewww." |
PumaMan:
"...and that's why mommy and daddy don't love you... because
you touch yourself at night." |
BloodBeast:
Corey: The Victim...of a mediocre television program created
to draw the viewer-ship of unintelligent people. |
HighSchoolBigShot:
Order now and get this beautiful SciFi Channel shirt! Be
the envy of all your fellow Scare Tactics and John Edwards
fans. |
Rowsdower:
"That's right, Shannon. Just stand there while we test the
strength of our new triple-stitching crotch panel on our new
line of Hanes Boner-Control Briefs!!!
|
MamieVanDoren:
"Good girls suck. Bad girls swallow. Shannon is a bad,
bad girl!" |
PaperChaseGuy:
Shannon displays her classic "Yeah, I f*cked your boyfriend.
What are you gonna do about it!" pose.
|
