Movie: Danger: Diabolik:
There's neither danger nor diabolic in
this film based on a popular Italian comic book. The lovely
Diabolik is a master thief who dresses in form-fitting black
vinyl, a slick hedonist who likes to make big heists and foil
the government. John Phillip Law, whom you'll remember from
Space Mutiny and , just to name a few of the two movies he's
been in, is Diabolik. Diabolik has a really cool underground
lair, a really cool car, and a foxy lady named Eva who employs
all the wig technology available to her. Eva and Diabolik have a
deep and abiding love based on trust, a shared history, and
shared goals for the future, as is evidenced by them rolling
around naked in a pile of greenbacks.
When Diabolik purloins ten million dollars from the government
of the unnamed but Europey country, Inspector Jenko is fed up to
here. Meanwhile, in a triangulation of arch-nemeses, the ham-faced
Valmont's nightclubs are raided by the government. So Valmont
makes a deal with Jenko: Valmont promises to get Diabolik to Jenko
if Jenko's agents will back off Valmont. This will be difficult,
Valmont points out, because no-one's ever seen Diabolik. Evidently
no-one has ever noticed the reed-thin, pretty man in the vinyl
leotard as he flits from caper to caper.
Then Eva, whose love
for Diabolik is not based on material gain, demands an emerald
necklace for her birthday which just happens to be the most
famous jewels in the world. Knowing Diabolik can't resist
heisting the jewels, both Jenko and Valmont plan to ensnare
Diabolik. (Why won't somebody come up with a plan to steal
Jewel?) During their no doubt daring but unseen escape, Eva
injures herself. She goes to the doctor where she is kidnapped
by Valmont, who knows that Diabolik will do anything to rescue
her because their sex, I mean their love, is true and abiding.
So Valmont holds Eva for $10 million ransom. Long story short,
Diabolik finds Eva and in a standoff in the desert, Jenko thinks
they've killed Diabolik but AHA! He's only playing dead with the
help of a drug. Later, when the two of them get out of that fix,
Diabolik sets out to steal twenty tons of gold which Jenko has
made into one huge ingot so Diabolik won't be able to steal it.
Oh, please. I mean, come on! This is Diabolik we're talking
about! The Master of Ineffectual Disguises! The giant ingot is
transported by miniature train which is blown up as it's
crossing a trestle. It sinks to the bottom of the ocean, and
Diabolik and Eva retrieve it with his super cool underwater car.
They take the gold to the hideout where Diabolik melts it to
make regular size ingots. Meanwhile, Jenko and his men are able
to track Diabolik because they put a tracer in the gold. The
G-men swarm the hideout and when the device that was melting the
gold explodes, it encases Diabolik head to toe in gold. Diabolik,
though immobilized, laughs triumphantly though it's anybody's
guess why, since he's encased in gold and there's no-one around
to feed him, scratch his nose, or help him go to the bathroom.
— Mary Jo Pehl
Servo can't maintain altitude and Mike discovers an SOL
Employee Handbook jammed up his hoverskirt. The handbook is
written in Pearl's autocratic style.
The ship starts to yaw and Mike and the bots find Pearl in a
playful mood, messing with them with the use of her new
joystick. The joystick breaks and accidentally sends the SOL
headed back to Earth. Down in the castle, Pearl is slightly
upset; up in the SOL, Crow has motion sickness.
Mike is packed, rice and all, and ready to go. Crow's got
all his stuff in a garbage bag; and Tom is trying to figure out
what to do with all the extra Toms around the ship.
The residents of the Castle are getting on with their lives:
Pearl has accepted an offer to be dictator for life of Qatar;
Bobo has a promising interview at the zoo; and Brain Guy's got
lots of stuff going on.
Crow is frightened to go to Earth, what with all the wars
and murders and diseases and Adam Sandler's running around. Mike
sings a song to allay his fears, which perks up Crow but scares
Servo into hiding under the desk.
With Servo driving, the SOL endures a violent landing on
Earth. Mike, Crow and Servo share a one-bedroom, garden level
apartment and settle in to watch movies.
Valmont looking to sea, asking "Is that stud coming?"
This was our last show ever for Mystery
Science Theater 3000. We all knew this day would come and to
tell you the truth, it was time. MST3K had existed ten years,
which is a very long life for a television show, and I had been
with the show for seven years, which was longer than all my
previous jobs put together. We didn't really care for the movie
itself, Diabolik, and it was difficult to write. Whether any
movie would have been hard for our last show or if it truly
wasn't good for our purposes, I don't know. We rolled around a
lot of ideas for the last show, and we grappled with how to wrap
it all up. One thing we adamantly agreed on: nothing maudlin.
Although we did toy with the idea of Pam Ewing waking up and
realizing it had all been a dream.
A few weeks before the end of
production, I was telling my brothers how we were going to end
the series, and when I told them about Crow and Servo getting an
apartment with Mike, I started to cry just a little. Then I had
to laugh at myself, because I talking about not just about
fictional characters, but puppets, for cripes sake! It really
hit me when I uttered the last line of the last scene to be
shot. "Look, Nelson - move on. I am." Once we got a good take,
Peter Rudrud called "That's a wrap," and there were tears from
just about everyone. But I have moved on: I have secreted myself
away in my apartment, somehow I've acquired 46 cats, I wear
three housedresses at once, and I hold one-sided conversations
with people I see from my window who don't know I'm watching
them. Life after MST3K does go on! As for the others, well, we
all still keep in touch, even if it is through restraining
orders and menacing personal ads. All in all, we had the time of
— Mary Jo Pehl