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Movie: Horrors Of Spider Island:
Large, rectangular Gary, lovely
assistant Georgia, and slightly less lovely assistant Mike
audition dancers for a trip to Singapore. This takes up
approximately the first two-thirds of the movie, and culminates
in the labored explanation of a joke: when Gary likes a dancer,
he crosses his legs; when he doesn't, he uncrosses them. That's
how Georgia knows his answers, without Gary even saying
anything, and that's why Mike was confused. (Did I say joke?)
Anyway, after several months of that scene Gary wings off to
Singapore with dancers May, Gladys, Doreen, Linda, Nellie, the
frightening Babs, and Georgia, and before you can say Jack
Robinson, provided you say it very slowly, they crash into the
ocean and wash ashore on an island. Gary carries the dancers
ashore, actually, and assumes his natural role as pompous male,
as the dancers run around murmuring - all except Georgia, who
what with her efficiency and general air of competence is just
damn lucky she's not a man. They all run across a cabin, and
there they find a dead fellow in a spider web! So maybe there
are some spiders in this thing, after all! But isn't it almost
over?
No, it's not. Pay attention. The dead guy is Professor Green,
and a quick reference to uranium in his diary is all the
explanation we ever receive for the confusing events about to
unfold. All move in to his cabin, and the dancers begin
disrobing, writhing, taking showers, and rubbing their hands
across Gary's crotch. Caught by Georgia while kissing a dancer,
Gary stalks off and is attacked by a large puppet spider.
Let's speed this up. The women go out looking for Gary, can't
find him. Two sailors, Joe and Bob, show up to pick up Professor
Green, and you can imagine their chagrin when they find, instead
of the professor, a cabin full of exotic dancers. There follows
a couple days of drinking and sex, as they await a ship's
arrival; there's some vague disagreement between Joe and Bob
about Bob's dismissive attitude toward women, which offends Joe
since he's taken with Ann (from Minnesota!) Gary reappears,
apparently now a spider although he's just a guy in slacks, and
kills Bob and Bob's special honey Gladys, and the women all get
torches and chase Gary into a swamp and the ship comes. The end.
So, are the big spiders because of the uranium? Is Gary's
transformation into whatever caused by the uranium? Just what
exactly are the horrors of this place? Does anyone know? Hello?
— Paul Chaplin
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Prologue:
Crow has a syndicated newspapers column, inspired by Larry
King's pointless ramblings in USA Today: "I give Supreme Court
Justice Antonin Scalia a B+!"
Segment 1:
The Castle is gone - actually, it's just moved, to a suburban
setting somewhere: Pearl is tired of shelling out fifty bucks a
year for Bobo's license. Brain Guy's crabby about all the work,
but Bobo likes his huge new tag. He barks at the neighbor's
dogs, though.
Segment 2:
Mike gets stuck in a web, like the professor in a movie; Crow
and Servo made it and are delighted with the big bug they catch
for dinner. A huge spider threatens Mike, though. Do the 'Bots
care? No. Sometimes you have to wonder about those guys.
Segment 3:
Mike, his feet on the desk like Gary, auditions all in the
castle, who (of course) buy into it immediately. Bobo tries soft
shoe; Brain Guy dons a wig and imitates a steamy scene from
Flash Dance; Pearl tries a ballet and falls over.
Segment 4:
Crow: "So Mike, if you're a woman and you're in a plane crash,
you instantly become languid, helpless, sex- starved, and you
murmur a lot?" They test the premise - turns out you do.
Segment 5:
Mike becomes an unconvincing spider; all share a way-too-hearty
laugh when it turns out he's planning to make a braunschweiger
melt, just like the 'Bots. Pearl and company are moving the
castle back, and are at a truck stop, where Bobo discovers a
machine purveying individually wrapped balloons.
Stinger:
The plane plummeting, the dancers screaming.
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We learned, I forget just how, that
this movie was a cooperative effort between Germany (West
Germany, I assume) and Yugoslavia in the early 1960's. Believe
me, I tried like the dickens to provide a joke about the
Marshall Plan - that this was how our U.S. tax money was being
used by the good people of Europe, as they attempted to rebuild
their economies, and such. To all you Marshall Plan fans out
there, I'm sorry.
The weekend after we finished this, I was consumed by curiosity
and used all my Frequent Flyer miles to fly to Singapore - it
sounded like such a swinging town! And I was not disappointed. I
hooked up with Babs, of course, and we had a great time, and
then she decided to fly back to the States with me - and that's
when tragedy struck. We crashed, and I had to depend on Babs to
carry me ashore on an island, and take care of me, with her
commanding manner. We're still there, in fact, me and Babs. You
get used to it after a while. Don't get me wrong, there's
nothing going on.
— Paul Chaplin
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