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Movie: Werewolf:
This movie is about werewolves -- also known as wolf-men,
lycanthropes, and bad actors with latex and spirit-gummed hair
on their faces. The movie starts off promisingly enough, what
with having Joe Estevez (brother of Martin Sheen, and uncle of
Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen, one or both of whom will
surely turn up in an MST movie one day) on an archeological dig
with some other sweaty, disgruntled guys. Their
strangely-accented foreman (Mexican? Russian? Basque?) is a
clear homicidal maniac from the get-go, and while he applies
corporal punishment to one of the workers for being rough with a
newly-found bunch o' bones, the hapless digger gets gored by one
of said bones.
Feh!...Wouldn't you know it, it's a bunch o' werewolf bones. Psh!
So pretty soon the guy starts lycanthropizing all over the
place. And one naturally assumes he is the eponymous "werewolf"
of this film. Wrong! One would be make an ass out of you and me,
assuming that! His friends efficiently shoot him, and he's outa
the movie! See you! Then about halfway through the film, another
strangely-accented man (a self-declared "writer"- his blunt
assertion to this effect is all the evidence we have of his
craft) shows up and becomes the real werewolf, killing with
abandon and simultaneously falling in love with the most
heavily-strangely-accented person of all, a piece of
Euro-arm-candy with the acting skills of a seriously injured box
turtle. The werewolf / writer rampages through Flagstaff,
Arizona, and lots of pool is played by the indeterminate
foreigners at a local honky-tonk.
— Bill Corbett
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Prologue:
Mike thinks he's James Lipton, host of the cable hit "Actors
Studio" program. He also thinks Crow is Ray Liotta, and
interviews him within an inch of his life.
Segment 1:
Crow applies the clown hammer to Mike / James Lipton. Mike snaps
out of it and immediately remembers their escape opportunity,
since the SOL is in geo-synchronus orbit around earth. He'll use
a giant ladder and climb down!
On the planet, Pearl, Bobo, and Observer are greedily eating
their breakfast cereal. Mike manages to land on the worst place
on earth - Castle Forrester! Pearl has Brain Guy whip up a lit
cannon to dispatch him.
Segment 2:
Mike and Servo play the fun game "Who Would You Want in Your
Werewolf Movie?" Inspired by Joe Estevez, all the actors they
choose are brothers of famous people! Get it? Thank you.
Segment 3:
After watching the heart-wrenching scene where a werewolf drives
a car and crashes fatally, Mike and the 'Bots make the odd
choice to sing a 1960's girl-group song about it titled:
Where, Oh Werewolf.
Segment 4:
Mike cuts himself on Crow and becomes a WERECROW.
Segment 5:
Mike is further along in his development as a WERECROW.
Meanwhile, Servo is beginning to turn into a WEREMIKE.
Down in Castle Forrester, Pearl has decided to create her own
werewolf by injecting the essence of a wolf into a man! Brain
Guy delivers a peasant, but Bobo's search for a wolf results in
an adorable little cocker spaniel. Thwarted, they retire for the
day.
Stinger:
Addled-brained Euro-model: "Diss iss obsaluttly fussinading."
(Trans.: "This is absolutely fascinating.")
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Oh, sweet, wonderful Werewolf. Where to
begin? OK, in no particular order:
1. Accents galore, resulting in myriad pronunciations of the
word "werewolf": e.g., "wurwilf," "warwulf," and so on.
2. The house caretaker -- who is some weird hybrid of Jerry
Garcia and a Michigan Militiaman - singing his signature
top-forty hit, "Strange Things A-Doin'."
3. The many werewolf looks this movie presents: sometimes simply
a wolf, other times a kind of man-bear, other times a sort of
fruit bat puppet, and at still other times just a guy with the
mumps overdue for a shave.
4. The main archeologist earnestly and somberly presenting his
theory of how werewolves must "sleep nose to anus."
5. I could go on, as you could, too, I'm sure.
A few bits of MST trivia:
• Werewolf is the newest movie we've ever done (1995).
• The cute cocker spaniel at the end of segment five is Humphrey,
Kevin's dog, who readers of the MST Amazing Colossal Episode
Guide will recognize as the photo op dog at the end of the book
in Kevin's, Trace's, Mike's, Mary Jo's, Paul's, & Jim's arms.
Finally, as a writer who tries to actually write, and knowing many
like me (many right in this very Best Brains office!), I will be
filing a class-action suit on behalf of us all for this movie's
premise that its doorknob protagonist is a man of the pen. Sure,
I know the guy has problems what with his sporadic turning into
a werewolf and all, but, for instance, Mike kept writing even
when he sprained his ankle. They're feeding you lies about us, I
say!
— Bill Corbett
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