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Movie: The Undead:
This cinematic slop, directed by Roger "Gets Far More Respect
than He Deserves" Corman, has a former student returning to his
teacher at the "Institute Of Psychical Research" (yeah, right)
to prove that he has surpassed this ex-mentor, who bears an
unfortunate resemblance to Mel Cooley of The Dick Van Dyke
Show. Apparently tutored by mystics in Nepal, this weird
and disturbing younger psychicicical researcher endeavors to
regress a streetwalker - whose time he has quite appropriately
paid for - through her past lives. The point? Who knows. Ask
Roger Corman.
Anyways, this woman-of dubious-virtue from the 20th century soon
regresses to medieval France, where she is now a young maiden
falsely accused of witchcraft and scheduled to be beheaded the
following dawn. From there ensues one of the most baffling
narratives ever created by man, an unnecessarily complicated
tale involving witches; imps (an imp, more specifically, played
way over the top by small-person actor Billy Barty); an annoying
gravedigger named Smolken who constantly sings lame songs about
death, corpses, rats, etc.; an extraordinarily fey Satan in a
Peter Pan hat; and all sorts of time travel nonsense and
reincarnation bunko. In the end, the over-ambitious young 20th
century pyschicicicicicical researcher gets trapped in this
medieval kingdom, which is the size of an 10' by 15' movie
studio. Oh yeah, and the 20th century prostitute attains virtue
and wisdom because - oh, frankly, I don't know. Again, I refer
you to Mr. Corman. I wish I could provide his home number.
— Bill Corbett
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Prologue:
Mike tries to sum up the adventures of himself and the 'Bots
since being brought back to the SOL, but Crow and Servo insist
that he supply more background information to put it all in
context. Mike winds up regressing back to a temp job he once
had, where some bad memory distracts him and makes him mumble
frighteningly, in a bitter reverie.
Segment 1:
The Observers administer an intelligence test to Mike, the
'Bots, Pearl, and Bobo. No one scores very high at all except
Servo, who does extraordinarily well. In fact, he scores higher
than one of the three Observers did. Servo modestly insists that
he just "tests well."
Segment 2:
Servo is missing from the SOL. Turns out he's down on the
Observers' planet, where he's been invited to become one of
them. But he quickly proves that he doesn't belong there: he
can't read any mind but his own, the "brain" he carries is
actually an olive, and to boot, he steals of their silverware.
After a hearty chase, the Observers return him to the SOL.
Segment 3:
The sultry witch from The Undead visits the satellite, and finds
that her shape-shifting talents are a bit rusty - out of
control, in fact. She involuntarily metamorphoses at a furious
rate, becoming a cat, a lizard, and a series of other animals
and inanimate objects, really tiring her out. She's stuck in the
guise of a bottle of Clorox bleach when Mike and 'Bots must
return to the movie.
Segment 4:
Mike finds an old album from his collection featuring Digger
Smolken, the singing gravedigger from the movie. Smolken
reinterprets modern and classic songs with his signature style,
changing all the lyrics to sing about death, corpses, filth,
rats, and all that other neat stuff in a song titled: "Digger
Smolken Medley."
Segment 5:
Bobo, in his jammies, gets up for a midnight snack. He prepares
himself a sandwich with loving attention to every detail, but
mistakes the Observers' brain enrichment chamber for a fridge.
And - of course - proceeds to include one of the Observers'
brains on his beautiful sandwich. He discovers his mistakes when
each bite produces a scream, and he quickly tries to rectify his
error, crudely taping the brain back together and scurrying back
to his room with a jar of mayonnaise (mayo-NAISE!).
Stinger:
Observers holding up their brains.
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This movie sat on all of our heads. The
plot's logic defies any amount of painstaking analysis, even
that involving elaborate flow charts and hired consultants from
the most respected universities and think tanks in the country.
Next time you have the notion to defend Roger Corman as a good
director, watch this movie and repent.
The host segments were good fun, though the rather short segment
involving Bridget as the shape-shifting witch from the movie
took a long time to film, since by Best Brain standards the
shape-shifting effect was mega-high-tech. Most of us had loads
of good clean fun singing many of our favorite songs a la
"Digger Smolken Medley,"
with lyrics given his patented rat death-coffin-etc. reworking.
A notable exception to this was poor Mary Jo, who found this
avenue of humor extremely painful from the get-go. And yet this
only encouraged us to continue it for countless weeks. Is it any
wonder why she often talks longingly of becoming a novelist?
Lastly, most of the movies we do on the show provide us with at
least one moment that especially sticks with us. These moments
usually crystallize in an instant just how dopey the movie in
question truly is - they are often those inexplicable,
just-what-the-hell-could they-possibly-have-been-thinking
moments which are dumb even by the standards of the movie
itself. In The Undead, there is a quick moment towards the end
where the entire cast of characters is warning the young heroine
to either go to her death, or not (to even try to explain it
would require a page of calculus). Corman uses quick cuts from
head to head, each character advising her, in effect, to go or
not. There is one quick shot among these of the time-traveling
psychicicicicicicicasl researcher who started this whole thing,
yelling "STAY!" with such baffling vehemence, his face contorted
in what looks like sick rage, all the while wearing a silly
faux-chain mail knight's hood, which cracked us all up again and
again. Even as I write this months after, people are still
walking around the Best Brains office suddenly yelling "STAY!"
at the top of their lungs with no warning. It's very funny -- I
think. Maybe you had to be there.
— Bill Corbett
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