Movie: The Thing That Couldn't Die:
Her husband having committed suicide (one presumes), a viciously
greedy widow named Flavia (?) raises her dim daughter Jessica on
an arid southwestern ranch. While out "dousing" for water one
day, the comely Jessica stumbles on an ancient box, buried back
in the long ago times. Nasal Flavia keeps bleating about "traysure,"
but instead the box contains the goateed head of a
not-to-be-trusted Englishman. With the unwitting help of some
dude ranch guests (did I mention Flavia also runs a dude ranch,
and employs rock stupid criminals?), said head is freed from his
box and uses about 14% of his other worldly powers to
mind-control the majority of this wretched crew. Within minutes
he is connected to his also-buried body and is then knocked over
and dies. Alternate title: The Thing That Died.
— Paul Chaplin
Servo, working with funds provided by a grant from Crow,
produces fearless art that does not hold back in its relentless
attack on Crow. Crow attends Servo's gala show opening and
remarks that it all seems kind of negative. "Oh I suppose you'd
like me to paint dogs playing poker," says Servo; Crow is
enthusiastic and provides another grant.
The SOL is pulled untold light years at an impossible speed
toward an unknown planet. There they meet the "Observers," three
guys who have evolved beyond language and brains who talk a lot
and carry their brains in pans. Pearl and Bobo are there, of
course. Pearl: "Hi, Nelson - what do you think of these
characters - pretty evolved, huh?" The Observers simply wish to
observe Pearl's ongoing experiment.
A thin condescending observer appears in the SOL, to observe.
He's pretty annoying. "I am certain," he says of Mike from a
distance of an inch, "that we shall find him to be an animated
piece of refuse, or feces..." Mike and the 'Bots get fed up, hit
the Observer with a clown hammer, put him in a bag, and send him
back to the planet.
The Observers, displaying a skill remarkably like a trait found
on planets in certain episodes of Star Trek, are able to create
whatever Mike is thinking, only they get it wrong. Their first
manifestation is Finnegan, the Starfleet Academy upperclassman
who tormented Kirk so. Finnegan leaps, laughs, and pummels Mike,
while an Irish tune gaily plays. Mike tries to think of Adrienne
but mistakenly thinks of the Emperor Hadrian (who pummels him)
before finally settling on Ms. Barbeau (who pummels him).
Crow produces a Civil War documentary, at once elaborate and
hastily thrown together. Reminded that Ken Burns has already
made the ultimate Civil War documentary, he's resolute: "Oh, but
was it about the Civil War?" It's an instant classic, combining
Crow's huge ambition with his innate inability to really work at
anything. "The Civil War was a war that took place during a
certain period in our nation's history. When, exactly? No one
An excited Servo, mimicking the movie, demands that Mike hold
his head by some hastily-assembled hair so that he can terrify
and mind-control Crow. Unfortunately, Mike knocks Servo's head
against the desk and sends it flying, leaving him holding only
the sad wig. Crow's not frightened.
On the Observer's planet, Pearl and Bobo prepare to retire for
the night. There is only one bed; Bobo quickly realizes his
horrible mistake in presuming to settle in ahead of Pearl. Under
her withering stare, he straightens the blankets, fluffs the
pillow, leaves a mint, and heads outside to sleep on the ground.
Observers holding up their brains.