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Movie: The Leech Woman:
This is a tender story of a man who despises his wife because
she is perhaps slightly older than he'd like her to be; and the
woman who downs hooch like Dylan Thomas because her husband
despises her so much. It is also the story of an ancient woman
from an unnamed African country who has found the fountain of
youth coursing through the pineal gland of the male of the
species. Further it is the story of the weenie lawyer with whom
our heroine falls in love, and his weenie fiancée whose only
redeeming quality is that she packs a Colt Panther.
This sweeping epic takes us to a modest ranch home in, perhaps,
Elmhurst, Illinois all the way to Griffith Park in LA, which
completely and altogether passes for the breathtaking Kalahari.
Along the way we see our white heroes immediately assume
superiority over an ancient tribe, we see our heroine stabbing
at the bases of skulls of countless men, we see that alas, the
fountain of youth is always out of order and prone to
backfiring, and that to be not beautiful and extremely young is
to be hateful and evil. A lesson for our time. Highlights
include several examples of the spiral cup bra.
— Kevin Murphy
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Prologue:
Intrepid Crow, worried about the Satellite's prairie dog
problem, purchases a "Varmint Vac," which helps to keep the
ship's beefalo herd from breaking their legs in prairie dog
holes. Mike seems surprised that the Satellite has either
prairie dogs or beefalo.
Segment 1:
At the urging of Mike and the 'Bots, Bobo, Peanut and their
entire staff revert to their monkey-nature, wearing diapers,
smoking huge cigars and roller skating, which we all know are
natural and instinctive simian urges. Pearl, the Lawgiver,
arrives in time to put a stop to it and hands out plenty of
baby-wipes.
Segment 2:
In a stirring and poignant scene, the Nanites organize and
strike against... well... other Nanites, I guess, who seem to be
their hard-hearted job bosses. After stirring speeches, the
labor dispute is settled in the tradition of American free
enterprise, with tanks and guns.
Segment 3:
With the apes beginning to suspect that she may not be the
lawgiver, Pearl enacts some importance laws, such as " no
parking on Sundays" and "no soup with buffet." Servo reveals the
seedy side of his missing five hundred years roaming the
universe, which may or may not include several stops at peep
shows. You be the judge.
Segment 4:
Crow and Servo, enlightened by today's film, conspire to
puncture Mike's pineal gland and extract the precious juice so
they can live forever. They get really cheesed when Mike
survives the assault, and they turn to Gypsy, proving once again
that they haven't a clue.
Segment 5:
Tom Servo, obsessed with screaming "Jeeeeeeeddddddddd!" at the
top of his lungs, dresses as Irene Ryan in her epic role and
forces Crow and Servo at gun-point to play-act The Beverly
Hillbillies. Naturally, it backfires; naturally, Servo cries.
Stinger:
Mrs. Talbot's attorney Neil Foster and the Police Detective
Chief exchange remarks: Neil Foster: "Then it couldn't have been
Mrs. Talbot. A week ago she was in New York." Detective Chief: "So
was the murder."
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