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Movie Summary  Movie: Santa Claus Conquers The Martians:  This movie is a mess. Not a fun mess either, just horrible. A bunch of Martians with names like Bomar and Chechen and Dropo and Shim kidnap Santa Claus from Earth and bring him back to Mars, because Martian kids are raised without joy. Some Martians are opposed—Voldar tries to kill Santa in an airlock—but Martian kids get joy and Santa heads back to Earth. The Martians are painted green and wear skintight fat-enhancing jump suits. Dropo in particular is a mincing little creep. — Paul Chaplin Host Segments  Prologue:  The 'Bots pore over catalogues, deciding what they want for Christmas. Gypsy wants a pony. Crow: "I want to decide who lives and who dies."  Invention:  The Mads' Wish-Squisher turns good presents into bad ones. Video games become underwear; paper money becomes your sister's raisin collection. The SOL presents Misfit Toys (for the island of same), like the Easy Bake Foundry. "Turns inexpensive pig iron you might find around the house into high grade steel ready for market."  Segment 2:  All sing Crow's classic "(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas." "I got the word that Santa has been stealing from the till / I think that that right jolly old elf better make out his will..."  Segment 3:  Joel has a bunch of Christmas movies on tape but they're mostly remakes, like Marlo Thomas' "It Happened One Christmas."  Segment 4:  Joel and the 'Bots read Christmas essays. Crow advises the elves on marketing. Servo imagines Santa exploding in space. All ends well, though, with a sweet manger scene in Gypsy's mouth.  Segment 5:  Joel gives presents; the 'Bots give Joel an old sock with a letter in it, which he reads. Frank hocks Forrester's Rolex to buy him a watchband; Forrester sells Frank's plasma to buy him Final Exit.  Stinger:  Bomar laughing lustily. Reflections Pia Zadora is in this, as a Martian kid. Who cares? Leonard Maltin deems it worth highlighting that Milton Delugg (what the hell kinda name is that) wrote the score. I certainly never heard of him. Delugg may have written great music for other movies, but his association with this one means his whole life was a fraud and a sickening waste. I wish he'd never been born. You hear that, Delugg? For the song at the end alone ("S-A-N-T-A, C-L-A-U-S, Hooray for Santy Claus!") I will run you down if I ever get the chance. Still, it was all worth it, for "(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas." — Paul Chaplin