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Short: The Phantom Creeps,
Chapter 2:
The short feature continues the epic
adventure begun in experiment
0203 - Jungle
Goddess, I'd describe the plot, but it's
hard to tell any of the good guys apart because it's the 1930's
and they're all wearing hats, Bela Lugosi no longer has a beard,
or maybe that was somebody else in a different movie, He
definitely has exploding spiders, however, and of course his
big, dumb, slow-moving robot, After this series the robot went
on to a long career as Randy Breuer.
Movie: Rocket Attack U.S.A.:
The movie follows the adventures of one
John Masten, who's dropped into the Soviet Union with the job of
sabotaging the Commies' rocket and saving the U.S.A. from a
sneak attack. He fails miserably, but he does get to hide in a
closet and watch blonde spy Tanya making whoopski with the
minister of defense, a boozy, sex-obsessed pig (even by Soviet
standards), Tanya's killed, John's killed, the ragingly
alcoholic Soviets somehow cobble together an ICBM, and Manhattan
gets nuked. Three million dead. Cats keeps running, however.
— Paul Chaplin
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Prologue:
Using a sander, Joel gives Servo the equivalent of a robot
haircut so that he "kind of looks like that guy from House
Party." He starts selling him styling activator gel, a
vapor-mist hood, etc.
Invention:
Joel was planning on showing the Mexican Jumping Beanbag Chair,
but Gypsy ate it. Instead, he shows an adding machine that
prints out candy on a strip, so doing your taxes can be more
fun. The Mads fill a foosball table with water and play water
polo.
Segment 2:
In anticipation of the feature, Joel explains the Cold War. His
artists' renderings depict the Charlie McCarthy Hearings on
Un-American Activities, which targeted Howdy Doody, as well as
Gumby, Pokey, Kukla, and Ollie; "Kukla and Ollie were in bed
with the Chinese." Lots of other 1950s puppets were involved
too.
Segment 3:
Wrapped in tinfoil, all play Civil Defense Quiz Bowl, with Joel
hosting. "I'll take propaganda for fifteen, please." It
concludes with the "fallout elimination round," with sirens in
the background.
Segment 4:
Mike shows up as Soviet cosmonaut Sari Andropoli, with his two
immobile robot pals. He tries to show his sense of humor by
donning a gorilla mask: "Oh, booga booga booga." His last
message is "Tell your American glory vocalist Billy Joel that he
did nothing for glasnost."
Segment 5:
Joel and the 'Bots are enraged at the ending of the film, and
they're all yelling at once. Then they specify their objections,
which are numerous. Joel reads a letter. Frank suggests that
next week Dr. F show Madame Sousatzka.
Stinger:
Helpless blind man says, flatly, "Help me!"
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Servo's head was redesigned because it
was possible to do so. It was never considered as a permanent
change.
The Elderly blind man walking down the street and
suddenly exclaiming "Help me!" was such a queer moment that it
began our tradition of showing brief clips from the movie after
our end credits. We call these little tidbits "stingers."
They're one of my favorite things about MST. The selection of
each stinger is typically a haphazard process, done at the
last-minute prodding of editor Brad; but it's oddly exhilarating
to find a perfect five-second clip.
The Phantom Creeps is
unwatchable and unfollowable. My heart breaks when I think of my
dad and his little short-pantsed pals sitting in some darkened
movie house, beaten down by the Depression raging without,
struggling to wring pleasure from these dreary images on the
screen. The poor kid, working thirteen hours a day at the coal
plant like he did, then stumbling on down to the Bijou and with
his trembling fingers handing over what few tiny pennies he
could afford—those precious coins that weren't needed for little
sister's medicine—and then, weeping, crushed, his pathetic soul
denied the simple escape it craves as he's forced to sit through
yet another wretched chapter of The Phantom Creeps.
Then again,
maybe he liked it. You know my dad.
— Paul Chaplin
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